I've been using different methods and tools as a means of self-inquiry for some time now. Back in October I decided to uproot my life again and drive out to California without a super solid plan. I sat in a plant medicine ceremony and was asking the medicine to help me with my blog and making it manifest. The answer I received was actually quite funny. The medicine showed me an image of my photography website and pointed to the "blog" section. I giggled to myself because the answer was so simple. The answers usually are rather simple when we don't get caught in our monkey mind.
I've been wanting to start writing in a blog format for a while and today is the day I ran out of excuses as to why I haven't started it yet. I was running with a story that went something like.." I can't start because I don't know what to write about." That story is actually the biggest pile of bullshit I've ever heard. The other story was that I couldn't share anything about my personal journey on my business page. I called bullshit on that story, too. The truth is, that my art and my business and my story are not separate. This is who I am.
My name is Sheryl. I am an artist. I am a healer. I am a dancer. I am visual storyteller of the human spirit and a writer. I am someone who will dive deep into the depths of the unknown, hit the bottom.. and keep fucking digging. (Thank you to a sister who pointed that out to me yesterday.) I hunger for authenticity and radical truth. I am a seeker of love and live my life from my heart.
Pieces of me will continue to reveal themselves to you as I continue to work on this blog. If you have questions about me I'm happy to answer.
I have been in California for a little over two months and I came out here with the intention to self-inquire by leaving the comforts of my home in Boulder, Colorado. I've never been to California and the journey has been enlightening to say the least.
I woke up in Oakland this morning after a wild adventure to Southern California and back. As I woke up in the comfort of a friend's home, I realized I was surrounded by a library of books.
I went down into the kitchen and dropped some Cerato flower essence under my tongue...and then it dawned on me. My excuses about why I can't do something are no longer valid. I am surrounded by unlimited resources and support everywhere I look. In that moment I realized I was fully ready to let go of the story that I don't know what I want or how to get it.
Along with that story I felt the weight of the story "I don't have what it takes" drop and surrender from my being.
Over and over again I am reminded of the magic of my very own being. RIGHT NOW, I am writing this into my journal from my friend's SAUNA. Poor me. Life is so hard when you get to sit in a sauna and sweat out your own bullshit after hours of driving. (Is my sarcasm showing?) What more could I possibly need? Spirit has been hitting me on the head with proof of love and support and unlimited resource that it's actually probably a little annoying at this point to ask for more proof. There is an old fear that lives within the subconscious of our collective that is characterized by lack, guilt, shame and "i'm not enough." We fear the power of our own being because we are still running on the old story of abandonment and sorrow and lack.
This story of lack is so old and stale that it actually makes me a little nauseous to think about. The very earth that lies beneath our feet is supporting our car that drives us wherever the fuck we want to go. Aside from the library we have the WORLD WIDE WEB...the internet, which might as well be it's own living breathing entity for Christ's Sake. The story of "not enough" isn't true anymore. We can lay the story of "I don't know how" to rest. We have MORE THAN ENOUGH available to us in every waking moment. I'm at the point of realizing that I have SO MUCH support and resource available that I have to begin to discern what is fitting for each moment. I get to choose what resources suit me. I get to choose what I want to do with my day and what I want to put into my body. That's how abundant we are. So abundant that we can relish in the beauty of the magic of choice.
We are allowed to support each other and be supported in return. We can release the fear of asking for help. It is totally normal to ask for support.
I don't get to be a victim anymore. I don't get to seek external validation or look for a "Prince charming" to save me. I'm here to save myself, and help others remember how to do the same.
We are the power we're seeking. We are incarnates of the Gods we pray to. We are Mother Earth and Father Sky in motion. Our old excuses DON'T cut it. It's almost as if Spirit is saying, "Please, tell me another excuse so I can prove it wrong." At what point did we start to play small? And why are we still stuck in that story? Can we give ourselves permission right now to drop that story and start writing a story of gratitude?
It's become more clear to me that if the Universe had hands it would grab my face and say "Sheryl, Darling, YOU WANT SIGNS? ..I've got signs! ... YOU WANT SUPPORT? What kind of support do you want, sweet one? I've got support. Do you want it in the form of the earth? Do you want support in the form of another human? A Job? Tell me... I will give it to you. Look around you and begin to notice that everything is supporting you. Everything is love."
We are SATURATED in tools and resources. It's up to us to start noticing how blessed we are.
It's time to stop the war within, and start to live the life we're meant to live.
It's time to take back our power as individuals and live authentically and unapologetically in our power. We can root in the sanctuary of SELF.
I am hearing more and more stories about people shedding their old skin. I am hearing more and more stories about people who are learning to ask for what they need and state clear boundaries. I am hearing stories about sisters who are leaving relationships that don't serve. I am seeing people start to wake from their sleep and say, "Hey, this doesn't feel good, how can I change my own situation to help it serve my highest and greatest good?" We are not responsible for protecting each other from our own bullshit, anymore. Call it out! Rattle the foundation if you have to, that's the only way you will be able to know if it is stable. Even if the foundation you have always known crumbles and you learn it wasn't sustainable, at least you can rebuild on TRUTH and CLARITY.
I am seeing more proof that all we're being asked is to relax into the beauty of our daily lives. We are being asked to speak up and call out our demons. Even the most mundane of tasks is a gift.
The fact that I am able to decide how I want my space to be oriented is a god damn miracle. We have the magic of choice at our fingertips. It's up to us to begin to discern which choices serve us.
We are continually fed fear through media. I will not cower into the corner of the cage of my being. I refuse to stay small and let fear and doubt perpetuate unstable actions. I want to operate from a place of truth and love.
Who am I without my old story? Who am I when I drop the stories that were fed to me by schools and family? Who am I when I stop struggling and anchor myself into my breath?
We have created a foundation in which escape from the present moment is the norm. Am I willing to sink into the bliss of the present? The answer is yes. Am I willing to let life love me? Am I willing to surrender my burdens and mind chatter to the art of play? What would it be like if we could celebrate our demons while we face them? What would it be like if we can allow ourselves to be fully human and fully happy.
If the past two and a half months have taught me anything it's that I'm the proof I'm looking for. I'm learning that I don't need proof of magic because the very rhythm of our own breath is enough. This is not to say we cannot continue to create more magic in our lives, but that we can start to acknowledge the magic that's already present. We can all feel the love and support we are seeking if we start to notice that it's already around us.
I'm done over-efforting and gripping tightly to projects or people or stories that haven't been working. I am no longer willing to operate from the place of pride or ego. I am ready to forgive myself when something doesn't work out the way I planned. I forgive myself for the old stories of self-hate and doubt that kept me stagnant. I'm creating for the sake of creating. I am writing for the sake of processing and learning. I am loving fully and deeply because love and authenticity are the only things that resonate. I am no longer willing to give up my boundaries to please another. I am no longer willing to let someone else's story about me keep me from moving forward.
I give myself permission to make a mess and dance with my shadows to learn that the light and the dark are the same. I allow myself to be powerful. I allow myself to release whatever expectations leave me feeling heavy. I give you permission to allow yourself to do the same.
Sometimes we have to sit in the mud with our demons and look them directly in the eye. Sometimes we have to relive an old story in order to let it go. Sometimes we have to let ourselves get angry so we learn how to fiercely forgive. I fiercely forgive myself and take responsibility for what is present in my life.
I am learning.
I am opening.
I am softening.
I am letting go gracefully.
I am surrendering my personal agenda sweetly.
And I humbly lay my head at the foot of trust and love.
This is my prayer.
This is my heart.
Take what you need and trash the rest.
OM Namah Shivaya <3